Confessions of a heretic

I've spent most of my adult life branded as a heretic. It began when I was nineteen and started to go to a Charismatic Church. I gladly embraced much of the tenants of modern Charismania. I accepted the doctrine that the gifts of the Holy Spirit have not ceased and are just as applicable today as they were in the days of the apostles. I had supernatural experiences and blogged about them. And I had the audacity to believe that God speaks to us today and that we can receive direction from these words.

I lost friends. People I grew up with refused to speak to me. Social gatherings would prove to be awkward as my presence would be completely ignored as if I was invisible. This was less painful than one would think as I found so many new friends in the Charismatic movement. These became like family to me as we served the Kingdom of God together. I could deal with hateful letters written to me as I had my band of brothers and sisters who had also endured persecution. And nothing in me wanted to go back as I had tasted a beautiful expression of Christianity that contained a measure of life I had never had before.

Over the past eighteen months I have had another development in my spiritual journey. I discovered Anglicanism.  For most of my adult life I had always considered myself the strange product of a hodgepodge of different traditions. Finally I found a theological home for what I had always thought was an eclectic blend of Reformed, Charismatic, Evangelical, and Ancient Christianity. I love the Charismatic movement because of how the worship service is centered around ushering in the Presence of the Holy Spirit through worship. And I love Anglicanism because of how the Sunday service is centered around the Presence of Christ in the sacrament of communion.

I had always struggled with certain Protestant doctrines but was uncomfortable with the Roman Catholic viewpoint on those issues. In Anglicanism I found this middle road that expressed much of what I had already come to believe. However, this came with a price. I was surrounded by those who didn't believe you could be a non-Protestant Christian. The two are antithetical to each other in their minds. They reject many of the early church fathers as Catholic heretics. They proclaim that it is impossible to be Catholic and saved. That we believe in a different gospel. I would hear this said by people who I loved and respected and I would weep. It pained me when I heard those who I had thought would be co-laborers in the gospel attack my salvation unknowingly. I received letters stating that I believe in a different Jesus because of my belief of His Presence in the Sacrament.

I've asked myself if this is worth it. But just like when I discovered the Charismatic movement; I had discovered something beautiful that I couldn't turn my back upon. Every Sunday, as I kneel to receive the Body and Blood of Jesus, I receive life. I have discovered a holistic theology that makes sense to me. A theology that doesn't ignore certain passages of Scripture or allegorizes portions of Scripture that seem to be taken literally. I don't have to reject the early Church Fathers as primitives who didn't understand true Christianity. They were discipled by members of the original twelve. If they believe that Jesus is in the Sacrament then why shouldn't we? I'm just using this as one example of many theological issues.

Yes, the Protestant Reformation needed to happen. There were abuses and errors within the Roman Church that needed to be addressed. But we can't reject 1500 years of Christianity as illegitimate. I've grown up in the Protestant tradition that acted as if the had Church laid dormant between the closing of the canon and the beginning of Protestantism. Christ said that the gates of hell would not prevail against His Church. For us to say that the Church laid dormant is to say that the gates of hell prevailed.

I have to chuckle when Protestants, who would reject the validity of my salvation, post quotes from CS Lewis as the great champion of the faith. CS Lewis, the great Anglo-Catholic, if he was alive today would be branded as a heretic and attacked throughout the far reaches of the internet. Why is he considered a champion of the faith while I am branded a heretic? This reveals the hypocrisy behind those who have appointed themselves as the doctrine police. I got hate letters when I quoted the words of Jesus in His high priestly prayer and said that those who attack the unity of the Church and sow seeds of division are attacking Christ Himself. We are His Body and those who attack the Church universal are attacking Christ Himself. But others say that truth should be valued more than unity. And they keep on holding their meetings and conferences in which they curse ministries that they disagree with and publish articles on how those people aren't really saved.

I can't go back. I believe I have drunk of the ancient wells. In the Charismatic movement we speak about drinking at the wells of revival and redigging those ancient wells. I have gone back to even more ancient wells. The wells of Celtic saints who transformed Ireland from a nation of paganism and Druidism into a Christian nation. Saints who planted monasteries throughout the British Isles and re-evanglized Europe during the Dark Ages. Those are my spiritual ancestors. As I look at America today, particularly California, I see so many parallels between now and the days of St. Patrick, St David of Wales, St Brigid, et al. I want to drink of the wells that they dug. I want to learn from them and receive the keys of authority that they fought for.

But I can't do this as a Protestant for they weren't Protestants. I can't try to emulate them while saying that their theology is heresy and that they weren't even saved. I'm trying to explain the logical conclusion of rejecting the salvation of non-Protestants. If we say that they aren't true Christians then we are doing so much damage. We can't pick and choose. I see individuals stating that Catholics are not saved and on different occasions holding up the martyrdom of Orthodox Christians in the Middle East. There's an inconsistency there. We can't be a divided Bride. Is Christ divided? Is there more than one Christ?

I have drunk of ancient waters. I sign myself with the cross throughout the day as a symbol of my discipleship to Christ and as a symbol of protection against the demonic. I wear the crucifix each day to remind me that I have been crucified with Christ. I pray in tongues throughout the day- even in the marketplace. I utilize the ancient prayers of the Church, along with the Book of Common Prayer, in my devotional life. I believe that in the communion meal I am stepping outside of time and partaking of one meal with the saints past, present, and future. We are one in Christ through His death and resurrection. I look at those departed as examples to follow, as ones who utilize their time in Heaven to pray for us still on earth.

I want to walk in the fullness of what God has for me. And for me, He has called me to walk the ancient paths and live a sacramental Christianity. Other streams are a blessing and I do not condemn them. But I have found something that I can not reject- over the past eighteen months I have grown so much in my walk and union with Christ. And that is what is most important. As ones who bear His name we are called to become one with Him and to allow His Holy Spirit to transform our lives so that we might be consumed by His Spirit. Our goal is to look like Him.

I write this with pain. I write this as one who has lost friends. I write this as one who has had doors shut in his face over this past year. I write this as one who has been shunned by those who I had considered as family. But I write this as one who has had to refuse to let bitterness set in. I pray the words of Jesus and ask that He would be faithful to make us one in Him. That we might be one so that the world would know Him through our unity.

We are called to be united. So many of Paul's letters were rebuking the spirit of division. Love is far more important than the need to be right. I look at the churches here in Berkeley (the same thing is true in so many other cities as well) and I see a group of congregations who are too busy pointing fingers at each other to do any real impact for the Kingdom. I can tell you what's wrong with every church but I can't tell you what's right because I rarely hear that. I see collections of congregants who are at enmity with each other. And we are too busy biting each other to do real damage to the kingdom of darkness.

What would happen if we were willing to lay aside our trivial differences? Whose name were we baptized by? Who was crucified for us? Christ is who should define us and not man made labels. But we have allowed doctrine and denominationalism to divide us. We care more about being right than being united.

I write this as one who has been attacked my entire adult life for following Christ. I can endure the attacks from unbelievers. But it hurts when it comes from my brothers and sisters. The knowledge that there are Christians praying against me and my ministry scares me. The idea that I have been thrown to the wolves and that their words are joining the voice of the great accuser is scary. And I am grieved to know that I have done the same in the past. The effect that this has in the spirit realm is huge.

I'm writing this as a plea. I'm writing this as an open letter to my brothers and sisters to accept me once again. And I'm writing this as an open letter to ask that we would all lay aside our differences and come together as one in heart and mission. Would we be one as Christ and the Father are one? If you have issues with my theology or my spiritual practices then come to me. Show me from Scripture where I am in error and I will listen. Scripture is my final authority- that hasn't changed. In fact as I have gone deeper down these ancient paths I have grown in my love and passion for the Scriptures. I have grown in my walk with the Lord. And I have gained new tools and practices in my daily fight against the kingdom of darkness as I resist the enemy and seek to be more like Christ. I simply ask that my Protestant brothers and sisters would see this and accept me as a fellow Christian. I am no greater than any of you. In fact I sometimes feel that I need the blessings of the ancient paths and the Sacraments, more than others, because of my own wretchedness. Please forgive me if I have ever appeared prideful or judgmental. And please, let us join together in the love of Christ.